The day, ill never forget. The day, my brother, best friend, decided, it was his time.
Coming back home with Shannon, boys in-front us, us giggling.
My mom begins to shout, I see her on the road with the yellow car, she came out, screaming to come.
I looked at Shannon then at her confused, I heard her shout. Come come, I didn’t understand. I slowly walked, she began to say, our dog is dying.
That made me stand in place, I quickly shook my head, rushing to the car, but my expression stone.
I froze.
My dog was in the back, my mom hysterical.
“What’s happening” I ask repeatedly, she rambles, she tells me, how she was on a walk with a friend when suddenly he fell,
He fell and he couldn’t breath.
His tongue purple, foam in his mouth.
She went to the vet, they gave her pills for him.
She came back home she said, and it happened again.
She told me his head was floppy, and he was dying, she ran out the house screaming, my younger dog was on the loose, which earlier Shannon had brought to me.
We drive, a car accident happens before our eyes.
Two cars before our eyes, clashing into one, we drive past it, focused on him, and only him.
I am still in shock.
I don’t understand.
I slightly cry, but I am shocked, I’m confused.
We get to the vet, my mom still hysterical.
The vet comes out, he speaks with my mom, I pet Sprocket, he looks up at me, and I cry a bit.
The door opens and my mom pulls him out of the car,
You barely get off the seat, but when you did.
You looked at me one last time before they took you in.
And you told me,
I looked away, crying.
I didn’t want you to go. Though we all thought you’d be back tomorrow.
You weren’t.
The next few days, we’re fine, I didn’t think much of it,
Because you’d be back,
The next day,
Right?
I was in art class, I get called out.
The woman says to take my bag.
I’m confused,
I think maybe it’s about some thing to do with what happened with me and my friend the day before,
But she takes me downstairs,
And once I see the end of my moms coat, I begin to cry.
And my heart drops.
Because I know, I know what has happened.
My worst nightmare,
Even ever since I was a kid.
His passing, his death.
My mom comes up to me, and she breaks down in my arms.
She sobs hysterically, in the middle of the school hallway.
I let her cry in my arms before I tell her to come outside.
She cried,
I didn’t.
She took my hand, and we walked out.
I felt numb and cold, especially, in my heart.
My heart pounding, but mind blank.
Each part of my body ached,
Though I didn’t cry.
I kept asking her is she sure? She just nodded.
She told me, he didnt wake up, and they have to put him down.
We get to my uncle and aunts car.
Once we get in, they talk, they rub my back.
Asking me if im okay, I just nod, because what I am feeling is indescribable.
But I do not cry.
My mom cries hysterically.
I do not. I don’t t shed a single tear. My leg shaking, my body going through it, yet not me.
Not my head.
Not my heart.
Because no nightmare, no movie, no one else experience, could ever prepare me, for his death.
But the day came, the day came today.
We arrive at the vets, and each little thing, each dog in that waiting area, each food.
It made me slightly, slightly tear up because they reminded me of him.
I felt guilty, I wanted to cry and go through it like my mom.
But I didn’t.
Because the only thing I was feeling, was the numbness in my heart.
They let in my aunt and uncle to the room, and I see the end of his body. I cry.
I cry the first time, I try calm myself down.
But its helpless, there’s people staring but I cannot stop.
Looking at each dog walk in,
alive, it felt like another knife being thrown at my already bleeding heart.
My aunt and uncle come out, my auntie slightly crying.
As she and my uncle, were close with him too.
The door opens to me and my moms view,
And in that very moment,
My heart dropped,
My hands dropped.
My life dropped.
I saw you on that table, and I couldn’t breath, I strangled to catch my breath. Struggled to catch oxygen.
I cried and cried, I couldn’t stop,
I couldn’t come close to you, I looked away.
I couldn’t, I couldn’t see you in that state.
You were always cheerful, even in your old days.
I never saw you in such a vulnerable place,
like the vets table.
Barely breathing.
Barely alive.
Unresponsive.
I didn’t want to come close, because I didn’t want to believe this was happening.
My eyes shifted to you, and broke down into more tears.
Now sobbing hysterically, I tried controlling myself but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t breath.
My whole world, tumbled apart, into pieces.
My whole heart, ripped apart, from my chest.
My whole life, memories, flashing before my eyes.
Because each memory, you were in the background of.
And I kept thinking, I kept thinking.
You left us, because you knew it was time, but you never, you never told us how hard it would be to pick the pieces of our shattered hearts back to place.
How could I continue on, without you by our side?
How could I want to wake up the next day, if I know you wont be in your bed sleeping.
I look back at you, and I forgot how to breath, I just wanted you to look up at me.
I wanted to rub your ears, while you lick my wrist.
I came over and I touched your tummy,
It was warm.
His stomach was warm.
The machine was pumping.
The only thing keeping you alive, was a simple machine.
I ask my mom, is he alive.
She is hysterical too, but nods, she tells me, that without that machine, he wouldn’t be.
She told me, he would suffocate without the machine.
My heart tears.
I do not want this to be true.
I want you to open your eyes and see me.
But he didn’t.
He didn’t see me, he didn’t look up.
I cried with my mom, in silence but we cried.
Struggling to catch one another’s breath.
It felt like eternity, but replaying it, it seemed like a single minute.
The veterinarian came in.
He told us it’s time.
I didn’t understand, but I took his hand, and I kept my hand to his stomach.
I looked away from where the man was sticking a needle.
He tells us it’s over.
I don’t understand,
He begins to turn off the machine.
And I cry.
I look down,
And his tummy is getting colder.
I cry,
And shake my head.
He is gone.
But I do not believe it.
I don’t want to.
I don’t let myself too.
Slowly, I no longer hear your soft heartbeat.
Slowly, you fade away, from this place called earth.
This place, where we wanted you to stay.
Wanted to take you home,and hug you till you couldn’t breath.
But you weren’t coming back.
Your body would stay here.
While your pure soul, would fly to the clouds, and past the clouds, the gates of heaven, would open for you.
While you would stay, on the rainbow bridge.
Waiting, waiting safely,
For us.